“Makeup makes me feel like a normal person”

Nikita had lice when she was 12 years old, just like many children do. But for her, the small insects in her hair triggered a fear of germs. Nikita would wash her hands every time she touched her hair and refuse to let it loose. “There was this constant fear of infecting other people. I felt dirty all the time. The urge to clean myself and wash my hands got worse and worse until it eventually got out of hand. I could not stop washing my hands, even when they started bleeding.”

Her mom noticed this happening and carefully suggested to her that she might have a fear of germs. They weren’t familiar with the term OCD by then. The now 21-year-old and her mom went to a doctor, who sent her to a therapist to take care of the fear of germs, but the therapy was unsuccessful. “Unfortunately, as time passed, I developed other symptoms besides my fear of germs so the therapy did not help that much. We decided to do further research and found out I had OCD.”

Hard to diagnose

In the Netherlands, an estimated 200 thousand people suffer from OCD. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, OCD is a common disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) or behaviours (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over. The symptoms can be different for everyone: some people are obsessed with cleaning or want to have things perfectly symmetrical, while others may have aggressive thoughts. These symptoms can influence big parts of a person’s life, especially in personal relationships, work or school.

OCD is a complicated disorder that takes a while to diagnose properly. Menno Oosterhoff is a psychiatrist and has OCD himself: “Compulsion is one of the most common mental illnesses after depression and anxiety, yet it is poorly recognized by therapists. Half of the people never receive the right treatment.”

Obsessed with numbers

When Nikita got her official diagnosis from a different therapist after several years, she could start moving towards recovery and self-acceptance. Her fear of germs made her refrain from cooking or touching vegetables - she considered them dirty. She was also scared of insects, had social anxiety and an obsession with numbers. “To me, number six was good but number seven was bad. I would count to six every time I walked down the stairs or I switched things on six times. If it was seven times, I considered it ‘bad’ and I would start over.”

Nikita’s most recent therapy took two-and-a-half years. She is now officially ‘cured’ as she finished her therapy and learned to live with her symptoms. But she believes OCD never really disappears. “I think OCD will always be a little part of my life,” she says. “For example, I still have a fear of insects, the difference is I can handle it better. I also learned to take a step back from things and rethink the situation.”

Face art

Even though a lot of daily tasks were challenging to Nikita, doing make-up is a way for her to feel comfort and explore self-expression. While many people with OCD are very precise and want things to be aligned perfectly, this was never the case for her. Surprisingly, doing face art is the only hobby where she doesn’t experience any OCD symptoms. “Make-up makes me feel empowered and most importantly, like a normal person. I sometimes forget I have OCD.” She creates all kinds of make-up looks, usually with bright colours. When she walks around Amsterdam, people often compliment her strange but unique looks.

According to Nikita, supporting someone with OCD can be challenging but it is possible. “The best way to help is to ask ‘What can I do?’ instead of assuming things or speaking for other people”, she says. “My OCD sometimes still shows up in stressful times and whenever that happens, communication is very important. Don’t be afraid to ask or talk about it. By communicating, we can understand each other better.”