"I need the feeling that I’m free and independent to do what I want"

They identify as gender queer or non-binary, a term often used to describe someone whose gender identify isn’t exclusively male or female. For their romantic and sexual attractions, they use the label queer. “I’m queer, both in terms of my gender identity and who I have relationships with,” Bluma says. “I’m usually attracted to people who are gender queer, that’s my aesthetic preference. People in my circle respect my identity. Last weekend, I was hanging out with friends and they all respected me. That felt very affirming and it made me realize that I’m often in spaces where that’s not the case. But what matters to me most, is that people try to use my pronouns right.”

The Ethical Slut

In past relationships, Bluma used to struggle with monogamy: “I always found monogamy difficult. I have never cheated, but I always had the temptation to do so.” Eventually, they were dating somebody that was dating two other people. “That was very different to me. I read a book called ‘The Ethical Slut’, which is basically the manual for polyamory. After I finished the book in two days, I actually found the whole concept of polyamory awesome. In monogamy, you have this stereotype where you are one half and you look for someone else to fill the other half. I’m not dependent on somebody else and I don’t seek for my other half.” Bluma likes to think of themselves as a unit, where people enrich their life, but not complete them as a person. “I think that’s how it relates to independency to me. I am a whole person that can go where I want and meet new people, and other people don’t define me.”

To Bluma, polyamory means freedom and independence. The concept suits them very naturally because they don’t get jealous. “I need the feeling that I’m free and independent to do what I want. Polyamory is kind of like a perfect situation for me, because nobody can tell me what to do.”

Variations of polyamory

There is some controversy about the existence of different types of polyamory, but according to Bluma, there are some variations: “For example, some people prefer to have a primary partnership and other more casual partners on the side, or maybe even an open relationship, which is also a form of non-monogamy. There are triads, where you have three people who are all dating each other. Then there is also relationship anarchy, where you have no hierarchy in the partners you are dating. That is kind of what I’m doing now. I’m dating people and I don’t feel like picking.” If Bluma feels the need to have more stability in the future, they could see themselves having a primary partner who they live and share grocery costs with, while having other partners on the side, who they equally feel emotionally connected to.

Bluma is currently not dating anyone that isn’t already polyamorous. They get quite scared when they feel like people are encroaching on their freedom or get too close to them. “If someone told me they want me to stay home with them five days a week, I would absolutely hate that, I need my own space. The advantage of dating multiple people is that you don’t see the same person all the time. I don’t see anyone I’m dating more than once a week, because I simply don’t have time for that.”

Red flags and stigmas

A red flag for Bluma would be a partner that doesn’t know how to communicate. According to them, one of the most important things in the poly community is communication. “Talking, having rules, establishing boundaries. What are you and your partner comfortable with? Do you tell them about other people you’re seeing or not at all? These things need to be discussed,” they say. “Another red flag for me would be possessiveness. If you can’t control your jealousy, that would be a no go for me. It would make me uncomfortable if someone is going to be mad at my other partner or salty against them. But it also goes the other way. If your metamour (your partner’s other partner) is really immature, that can really affect the relationship. I want to be friends with my metamours, instead of feeling some sort of competition.”

The stigma about polyamory that bothers Bluma the most, is that it would be an immature thing. “Some people think I will grow out of being poly and eventually just have one relationship and get married. That’s not the case at all. Another stigma that’s really problematic is that my feelings for people aren’t the same, because I’m dating multiple people. That is also not true, I can still form deep connections with those people.”

According to Bluma, we as a society can fight the stigma by being more outspoken about it. They think a lot of people misunderstand the concept of being polyamorous. “It would help if we talked about it more. Representation also matters. How awesome would it be if you had a teacher who talks about having multiple partners, or a babysitter who is poly? Adults talking about it being a normal thing helps.”

Loving yourself

Bluma has an their own take on selflove: “It may sound weird, but I don’t think selflove is important. We shouldn’t ask people to love themselves, because it’s really difficult in the world we currently live in. After all, your whole life you have been told that loving yourself isn’t a good thing.” Bluma thinks telling people to love themselves could put pressure on them. “I don’t think you have to love yourself as a person, but rather the things that you do and the impact that you make. I love the things that I do, my values, the love I give others, the things I believe in and fight for. But I don’t necessarily love myself as a unit.”

Activism means freedom

Being an activist gives them a lot of energy and independency. “I love doing radical stuff, it empowers me a lot to kick against things. That’s just my personality. But what I care about the most, is seeing the things I do is making an impact on others. Sometimes people message me that they found my speech inspiring or that I am the reason they got into activism. That makes me feel like it matters what I do.”

Activism has always been a part of Bluma. They were about eight years old when they drew anti-Wilders and anti-PVV flyers, to hand them out in front on the school they attended. They became politically active when they were about 16 years old and started off as a member of the PvdA. When the Black Lives Matter protests started in the Netherlands, they started to get more involved in activism. “I’m now a full-time activist, an anti-Zionist and I stand up for Palestinian rights.”